[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Well, I'll say this. This is going
to change science-fiction forever.
There's not going to be any more
"E.T." or "My Favorite Martian".
People won't understand.
E.T. won't be phoning home.
He'll be waiting for you in a dark tunnel
ready to strangle you while
he literally eats you alive.
If you're lucky, he'll snap your neck first.
People of the future will understand THAT.
[humming E.T. theme song]
Okay, so what am I doing? I
guess shimmy along this wall,
though I don't much--WHAAAWHOA! WHOA-OO JAH!
Jesus CHRIST, that is slick!
Slip 'N Slide, slip and die, everybody
slippin', havin' a good time...
Now THERE'S a thought.
Yeah, that's a GOOD thought,
as long as I'm not standing on oil
that'll burn me alive if I ignite it.
[straining]
Oh yeah, it's got some in there.
[straining]
Okay, let's do this.
OHHHH! Yeah, that's a tough
pill to swallow, huh?!
Kill everything with barrels.
This is "Donkey Kong" warfare.
Oh wow, that's a strong smell.
Oh my god! Is the Earth even
worth saving? Are we too late?
What... HEY, THAT ONE'S TONGUE IS DOWN!
I don't even understand
how these things got here.
I thought they grew into the
ceiling but these are on open mesh.
Dammit, that's another one.
So does that mean these things are mobile?
Well, I haven't seen them move, but...
I don't really want to think about
that. I don't want to be here, really.
They must've heard my gunshots.
Still, they didn't even see me.
They're just throwing it out there,
just in case? I don't see anyone.
I mean, what are the odds
of me being exactly there?
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way;
it's just some guy sitting around saying,
"Oh, there's a fuel
barrel. Better blow it up."
I still don't understand everything here.
Do they know I'm here or are they just...
tossing these every thirty seconds?
Shit. I guess Donkey Kong's
really not that far off.
Man, it's hard to shoot when I'm swimming.
I keep wanting to paddle with this hand
but I know my muscle memory will betray
me and I'll shoot myself in the knee.
Or the head, why not? It just
depends on what stroke I'm doing.
Okay! Suppressing fire! That's
today's show's secret phrase!
OH NO! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT--
I fell right into it! Right into it!
I CAN'T AIM LIKE THIS! BACK OFF!
Okay, is that all of them?
Damn, that guy's far off.
God, this is such a
fish-in-a-barrel layout...
Where'd that come from?! Was that an echo?
[gunshots]
Nope, there he is. Jesus...
Yeah, accuracy doesn't matter so
much as hitting the person once.
I mean, if you miss somebody
ten times but hit them once,
who's going to say you did a bad job? Them?
Another barrel. Why take a chance?
Was he already dead and
just lying there, or...?
Was he trying to ride the
barrel off into space?
Everything's so counterintuitive .
My whole career I've always tried
to figure out what's happening.
That's why I was so good at my job.
Well actually, there's a lot of reasons
I'm so good, but that's part of it.
But these past few days I ask questions
and the answers don't make sense at all.
Yeah, like him, just sunbathing
here with his clothes on.
An inquisitive mind is no good here.
Now the more I learn, the more the
answers are either stupid or crazy.
I'm not an elder god at all, am I?
I didn't get any of his powers. This sucks.
I mean, what am I doing here?
That Barney guy sent me this way, right?
"Yeah, Gordon. Take the canals, right?
"Then the police can shoot at you from
above while you're trying to swim,
"and can completely surround you without
getting caught in the crossfire."
See, that's his brilliance.
Even now, I don't know if he is just that
dumb or if I fell right into his trap.
Incompetence can be really hard
to distinguish from malice.
I dealt with this incompetence-or-malice
dilemma all the time back at Black Mesa,
but I feel like the stakes
have risen since then.
It's not about
sabotaging my project anymore,
[chopper sound]
it's about murdering my--shit.
Yeah see, I get tired
of hearing explanations
of whether people trying to
kill me is an accident or not.
I'm thinking I should take him out
next time I see him just to be safe.
But... No, I can't do that.
Kleiner would never forgive
me for killing his assistant
without providing an adequate replacement.
I guess I'll just have to keep my eyes open.
So where's the--WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! Ugh.
Oh, that's great. Yeah, take a photo, huh?
[machine gun fire]
Oh my god. Shooting! Don't you understand?!
[machine gun fire, clanging]
[screaming]
Stop, stop, STOP IT, STOP!
JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHOT BEFORE
DOESN'T MEAN I'M ANY BETTER AT IT NOW!
[machine gun fire, clanging]
[screaming]
Fuck this... fuck this...!
I don't have any cover!
[machine gun fire]
OH OHH!
Fuck Barney! This is the worst route!
THIS IS THE WORST ROUTE I COULD'VE TAKEN!
Yeah, I needed more problems!
[machine gun fire, clanging]
[crying]
YEAH, COME FLY IN THE DOORWAY, ASSHOLE!
Yeah, underground's good.
You're dead. I'm not listening to you.
Yeah, I guess I need more of these, huh?
Well, as shitty damp dead-ends go,
I'm more appreciative of this
one than I have been in a while.
Y'know, the last time I tried
to live underground forever,
it didn't work out because I got
hungry, but maybe this time's different.
Actually I don't remember what
happened. It was nothing good.
Yeah, you know all about "nothing
good", huh? Fuck! He was torched.
Oh, that's nice. Looks
like a body back there.
Yeah, that's just what I'm looking for.
This water's contaminated.
Do the Tripods not need water or something?
That would be a curve ball, wouldn't it?
...kill it before it's too late...
Okay, I have to go easy...
Well that's not happening again.
[machine gun fire]
What the hell?!
Oh, he probably saw my flashlight.
I'm surprised. It's broad daylight.
[machine gun fire]
Yeah, just keep shooting that spot.
That's good. That's good.
Oh, that was traumatic! Even amongst
the blur of trauma my life has become.
Honest to--OH HO HO HO HO! No, no.
Fool me once, you almost fucking kill me.
[straining]
Fool me twice, no.
[straining]
Okay, come on.
You will be my emissary. I trust
you to communicate on my behalf.
Damn, a little LOUD, but that's
what I would've said, too.
Christ, they're eating the scraps.
Here, have everything,
you fucking hell-goats.
If I wasn't bitter, this
could be entertaining.
Okay, I'm going to slide down
here and shoot up like a bad ass.
Damn, I guess this ramp's not as slick.
Okay, I'm getting out of here
before I get choked twice.
I am legit traumatized. I don't
even want to eat spaghetti anymore.
Okay, it sounds like he's
still aiming at that one spot,
Y'know, I'm really not
happy with how many times
I'm finding myself saying,
"It could be worse."
I mean, yeah, I could be dead. That's worse.
That's a nice low bar for
us to judge things by. Fuck.